Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. *Wear a rubber band and whenever you think of your ex, snap it on your wrist. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. I am deeply sorry for what you are going through,and although you dont know it now you can survive and pop out the other end of the dark tunnel into a new and better light. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. Hmmm. Be clear about boundaries. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). Took a few years mind. RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. dont care, dont care, dont care. I forced myself to have sex with him when I hated it, and it made me want to cry. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. Why? What makes someone do that? If youre praying for them, even in general terms, youre ACTING forgiveness and thats whats important. Let him live with that. I was so wrong. 176 0 obj <>/Filter/FlateDecode/ID[<66743374E283F54183115A33AB330900><03634C9BC5421046A3029327F7E9D2ED>]/Index[156 30]/Info 155 0 R/Length 100/Prev 163381/Root 157 0 R/Size 186/Type/XRef/W[1 3 1]>>stream I needed it today. The weird thing is that I didnt myself realise how bad it had been, until he was gone. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. I couldnt seem to break free. I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. I hear you. He disrespects women! We met a few times. I keep thinking that the stuff he says and does seems so crazy and offensive that I have to wonder if its all just an act and hes just doing this because hes trying to seem cool or something like that. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. CC, I just read your comment. Didnt I Mean Something To Them? So need this. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that youre secretly harboring a grudge. Hold a grudge Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.com But thats the way it is. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. If you read any if my posts from last weeks blog, I was just broken up with last week and was blindsided and feel sure its because his ex (who is a narcissist) has ventured back into the picture and hes apparently not done being hurt by her. Or talk with a person you've found to be wise and compassionate, such as a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend. Forgiveness is an act of faith. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. Synonym for grudge Grudge = Feeling of hatred/anger Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will hold a grudge forever! That worked. . I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. While we don't often like to admit it, holding a grudge is a common way some people respond to feeling that they've been wronged. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. We just cant take anymore! Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? Yeah, right. The recent comments from those of us whove given up (for now)arent because were pessimistic or bitter or whatever. Not an easy road, but doable. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. I am VERY happy for you. Could you start up a relationship w someone who you did drugs w for years Finally get clean, and after all that damage and pain, try to be w them again? Then he offers you that diminishing relationship, proceeds to say well talk, then pulls away. He has no remorse for screwing up his kids childhoods. AAAArrrrggggg!! I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. I have always adopted NC as my natural response, even before reading about it. If we keep listening to the shoulds, we just end up stuck in a cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Sometimes, you may find that you're holding a grudge even if you're doing so unintentionally. *Get a journal. "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. It does get better with NC, really it does. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Because really, what can you feel guilty about or worried what they (ACs) think? We get it all here. Sandy- my daughter felt the same w my ex AC. "Often, we'll find ourselves avoiding someone that we have resentment or an unresolved issue with," Habash said. Grudges are toxic to relationships. I work alone and am not in a relationship. In the saga of Sagittarius Hailey Bieber vs. Cancer queen Selena Gomez it's a battle of fire and water, hooves and claws complete with body shaming, eyebrow shading and social media slings and arrows. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. Thanks. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. NC works, it really does. Improved mental health. Hard pass! His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. You hit the nail on the head. You cannot treat people that way. Yet she did it anyway. Obviously, it hasnt slowed his stride as he romanced and married a blissfully ignorant woman. The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! If the grudge is something you find yourself thinking about very often, try using a physical technique to get your mind back on track. Natalie, this post is food for thought. And its SPOT ON. Not forgiving the person who wronged you is the essence of holding a grudge. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. That means an awful lot of retraining. I was told yesterday to be content with teaching the same classes, over and over, and to accept that our campus will cut the one program I enjoy teaching in that is congruent with my values and who I am. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. The differences and similarities between "The Dog that Bit People" and "The Weather of New England" are easy to find throughout the story, and will be further dove into. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. He said so. Thanks a lot for your insights, they are always appreciated. you're not angry but you remember what that person is capable of so you don't put your trust in them again. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? It is very hard to be alone, I am facing the same struggle. crawling under bed of the genie bottle. Absolutely true! Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. Here is his message hi!! Hes an ass. Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. Tinkerbell The biblical standard is that a man leaves his mother and father and cleaves to one woman. Dysfunction happens often in families where there is substance or alcohol use disorder. And yet, when it comes to forgiveness, we dont think that it means anything unless we can hoodwink ourselves into liking it. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. It's so ingrained, it feels like the right thing to do. So, in that case, we would forgive them by letting go of resentment and vengeful thoughts, but we would also get away from them so as to protect ourselves and our OWN spirituality (lest their bad attitudes/behaviors rub off on us). Grind vs. Hustle: A Simple Guide To Telling The Difference - Forbes Its not a joke. I forgive my ex who was abusive. I neglected to include that he waited until I was already deeply involved with him to tell me he was married 4 times. grudge - WordReference.com Dictionary of English I said Im sorry!) That would be a mistake. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. "Putting too much cream in the coffee or fighting over the TV remote can turn into a major blow-up due to the backlog of unresolved feelings in the relationship.". I know this was ridiculously LONG, but through a lot of growing pains and perspective, thats what made sense to me. I know how good it feels when you finally take that step and dont look back. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. Its true that I want to leave with him thinking of me as a good person. Things ended with my ex-EUM almost eight months ago, but I still remember everything and thats been the hardest part. Why should it be any different w people? It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. Getting It!- I havent gone to any of my high school reunions as I dont remember high school as being a happy time, havent kept in contact with anyone from high school so what would be the point? She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. What better reason can anyone need? The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. Hell, no! Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. Lisa. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? The message she left was so hurtful. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. I also dont think asses make good friend material. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies.. Your temperamental styles and inability to negotiate conflict could be one reason why you are prone to keep grudges with friends or family. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. I think its hard for us to believe that people would do such disrespectful hurtful things, so we go into denial. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. You deserve better than that. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It simply means that youre choosing to move on. 156 0 obj <> endobj When I talk to people who struggle with walking away and staying away and who keep getting their fingers burned, there can often be this fear of appearing to hold a grudge. Deserved forgiveness is passive but empowering, relieving, and offers your wrongdoer new chance new life new opportunity to learn from mistakes made and to grow and to become a better person. I also have a revenge fantasy of accepting his invitation and allowing him to seduce me one last time so I can leave him naked and stranded while I deliver his clothes and personal effects to his wife, LOL!!! NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Remember, forgiveness is a process. There's nothing wrong with holding grudges : r/unpopularopinion - reddit "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. My mother, who is in poor health and very demanding and lazy, expected me to step into my grandmothers role of basically being her punching bag. Grudges vs boundaries: the powerful difference - Women's Therapy Validation? But when he was on his own I told him (calmly!) Stand up for what you believe in. My friends husband just asked me out! I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. Its funny if you were feeding homeless people at 4am you wouldnt beat yourself up about the fact that you didnt much enjoy getting out of bed to do it. Your response is keeping me strong. You can do so much better than a rebound that doesnt give you what you need, too. You can't force someone to forgive you. What you said struck a chord with me, that you can engage superficially with an EU romantic prospect but keep them at arms length. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. I hope you stick to your guns about distancing anyone who disrespected you. He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. I have had an experience with a narcissist similar to what you described (charmed me completely, was successful, I felt we were compatible) and when I stuck to my boundaries and ended it, breaking NC afterwards was one of my biggest regrets. Hard pass! P.S. Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone youre trying to forgive. Whenever you have a thought, track it. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. If this guy is attracted to a narcissistic sadist, good riddance. This the man Ive been there for who has been very depressed. We are not designed for serial monogamy or it wouldnt hurt so much when we break up. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. It breaks my heart a bit. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network. But recognizing what's going on and talking things through with them can help you move on. You have to accept that sometimes ignorance is indeed bliss. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works.
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difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting