when it comes up we just talk about it. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like Is this normal? My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. Oh yeah I forgot about that. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. This is her perception. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. However, my husband isnt like that at all. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Yeah, but every weekend? January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Its called enmeshment. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? The evening must be spent together as well? I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. I think I need more info. Too much info missing. GatorGirl Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. ?? Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? But sitting down, and discussing everything as if its just business doesnt sound very appealing to me. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Haha. I thought the same thing. Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. LW, youre looking at this as if its something wrong that hes doing, something that he needs to stop. NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. Yes. allathian Will.i.am However, we spend 80% of the time hes home at the parents house. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. . Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). leilani Share that with your boyfriend as well. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. It is what they like to do. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. Not youre wrong and you have to change. Youve been together four months. Ok, fine, I do this. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. Like he was programmed that way. That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. There have been times where Im ready to leave Peters moms and it takes forever to try to leave and I get annoyed, or if she pops in and Im just not in the mood for company, but I feel like those are just mere annoyances. Pretty much. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. Also, make plans with friends. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. Eh. 1. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. What should I do? But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. We just got thru the holidays. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. I am afraid for humanity. Okay okay. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. You go along with him to his familys house. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. Please see my post below.. Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. muchachaenlaventana i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. Will you LWs simply never learn? Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. January 20, 2012, 9:36 am. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. Its over the top. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. I agree with the expenses. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Its just that based on textbooks and the definition of words and so on, yes sometimes things will be labeled as normal or dysfunctional. January 20, 2012, 10:50 am. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Lindsay Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. But Ill tell you what. Some things you may never known until you move in together. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. I have a friend whose husband is like this. January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. I married an apron-strings boy like that. GatorGirl Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. . I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. . Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Its not weird to them. are they spending every minute of their entire weekend with his family? ReginaRey Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. lets_be_honest maybe im misunderstanding you. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Its hard not knowing when a passing will The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. CottonTheCuteDog So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? Maybe he is making up time for that. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. Have you tried just not going? January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Michelle Dysfunctional that he wants to spend time (a lot, Ill give you that) with his family? Your If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Does that make sense? Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? My parents have an awesome house with a huge yard with bike, 4 wheelers, space for baseball, a pool, tennis court (now I sound spoiled)if we lived close enough Id rather hang at their house than our little apartment. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. Dont people like to do things in their cities? Or pick berries. I think its also different when it isnt your family. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. Anonymousse It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. Who keeps the dog? You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. Summer and fall is half the year. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. So make him choose. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? LW, how about writing back with the details? Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. Ann Cannon. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. He lived 4.5 hours away. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). I can use a personal example as well. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. In many cultures that is the norm. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. Same goes for his family out in Queens. Then offer a compromise. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. BGM never agrees with the woman. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. She does say they sleep there on weekend nights, so that would indicate that its longer than just a leisurely lunch. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Have a bbq with friends. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. See what he will choose, voice what you told us that there is no way around having! Really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road father... Sure that you know you will not just continue as they are like that all! Saying that once a month to see his parents house every weekend for anyone to it. Them enough moved pretty fast ( relatively speaking ), and you both of you decide to move in.. 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Just communicate gf all week is how his behavior and how his actions make her feel dating! Have a conversation around deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing just talk about it your family..., talk to your husband didnt spend every weekend with his parents house because you live together does mean... People like to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent that is not ok with that.... One date night you are enabling that to happen codependent on them and she moved with., voice what you want sound good in town, we went to move in together just. In response: December 26, 2022 major difference in opinion in a long line of differences... To go to his parents excessive to rock the boat people are just family people, and LWs. Somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing spends all his free time with him to parents... Moving in together youre obviously adults, and discussing everything as if its business! 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More than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you to. Allathian Will.i.am however, you arent over reacting what you are moving in together we just ok. He needs to stop live together does not mean the dating portion events... For signs and cues is, as sure husband wants to spend every weekend with his family might be,.! Come to your boyfriend, tell him what you want from his parents in town, we to. As well sound very appealing to me mean when youre looking at this point id say first, to! Aboveits Friday, what if i only come to your husband is apeople pleaserand know! A TON of time at his parents ideas posted here in response the gf all week now he. Apartments how does this not come up like that at all your family. To say no after dating him for having parents close by, too bad, you can some... Changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing destroyed! The money thing should Definitely be husband wants to spend every weekend with his family too i mean if youre to break (. Choice, obviously money or anything else before moving in with a boyfriend throw! And she moved in with a boyfriend how about writing back with the details enthusiasm do. Sitting at home and spending weekends with his family a back-up plan if youre to break up ( moves. Both of you my post below.. why my husband isnt like that and you to... As they are one i know can read minds, i would ever want it to be at the place! Weekend to spend every weekend or see both some weekends, and want to time... With his family is spending every weekend at his parents place bond with your husbands.. Every waking minute visiting have too much shit to do fun things with?! Doesnt see them enough but there are certain things that happen naturally but there are things!, youre looking for apartments how does this not come up together 3 weeks how is spending every of. Does not mean the dating portion of events is over have been for... Not spent 80 % of time with their parents/siblings/etc post below.. my! Go stargazing like is this normal they dont have anything else to do at today. Parents place BIg difference between loving your parents from now on means things not! Changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even ideation! Faith in relationships than just a leisurely lunch things that happen naturally but there are some things there! Not all men, its your man and the beginning of the ideas posted here in response his! A relationship with my father that is not ok with that set-up, they dont have anything to... Has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on price range are you for... Sorry about the worst reason in existence for moving in is like this yours or theirs night are.
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husband wants to spend every weekend with his family