Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. The cycle of abuse creates a trauma bond, so the enabler parent is conditioned to please the narcissist to avoid another altercation. You understand why you feel the way you do, at least, which I think is good. That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. And yeah, I'm sure it will. She was holding a beautiful baby in her arms while I watched jealousy; wishing that she could love me like that. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. She never asks about the divorce proceedings and will talk about the weather and how this cousin or that relative looked gorgeous at her wedding. An empty chair was a better father, and Mom didn't do everything she could to protect us. I am glad he is dead. After a big fight would happen I usually went running to my room and she wouldnt come to comfort me, she would instead be consoling him and trying to calm him down. They prize the feeling of power and control they get to have when controlling and dominating another human being. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? Please share your stories, your questions, your histories, your fears and your triumphs. Need info or resources? Performance & security by Cloudflare. She thinks making Mom a victim is sick stuff on my part. A constantly angry dad and an emotionally unavailable mum (who did little to shield us from his toxicity) makes for a pretty miserable upbringing. My dad was violent and angry a lot of the time, and in my worst memories I was always scared and crying and she would just be there. A hug would have been a good start. my mother didn 't protect me from abuse my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. When she called me evil and bad, she didn't care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. I thought she was angry with me. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. My mother failed to protect me from sexual abuse as a child 'When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.' Photograph: Alamy After. I wish he would go away, Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? I dont know what to do. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. My mother told me to be patient when I told her how my husband had pushed me against the cupboard, throttled me and bruised my arm. Hed appear to acknowledge that I was being hurt but then hed tell me to placate her or apologize. PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL COSTS. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. And how that ties into this? Privacy Policy. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, Verbal Abusers and the Fine Art of the Blame-Shift. Why did my mom never stop my dad? As any child in a loving family would, I confided in you. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. Does a Dog's Head Shape Predict How Smart It Is? Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. Reading between the lines of your email I wonder if your mother always makes everything to be about her and sees her children and others as being lesser somehow, rather than of equal importance. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. I was the youngest out of 5, my parents had me when he was 50 and he got worse with age, his anger and his substance abuse. Nope, thats not good enough. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? Peg Streep's newest book is Verbal Abuse: Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering. I havent been feeling good about saying no to her, I have felt guilty and mostly sad. Then it happened, something I couldnt understand, something I couldnt explain, something I knew wasnt right. Click here! my mother didn 't protect me from abuse. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. I just hope I didn't sound like I was blaming my mom for everything or that I don't understand what she went through and why she did what she did. Her mother never finished school, and her father worked at a job which paid the bills rather than following his passion. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. I really dont trust my mom and now I wonder if she ever spit in my food and did other things like that as I really dont trust that witch of a mother. Give it time and the resentment will fade. Thank you for your insight and understanding, it means a lot. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. For years, I thought she was as under his thumb as his five children were and that she had no choice but to take his side. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. Copyright free. I am not fashionable enough. leaning toward or towards By On May 9, 2022. Once the narcissist has convinced someone they are the problem, its easy to further manipulate them into focusing solely on the needs of the narcissist. My birth was the cause of all hardship and strife. This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Sometimes the fact that your enabling father never protected you did more damage than your narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. I relate to so very much of this! In a weird way, their marriage has thrived, because they had someone to blame for their occasional unhappiness from the very start. I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. I hope we can get past this as well. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. An old person cant spend his final years there. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. If hes still with her, hes likely too far gone to realize how his actions, or lack thereof, affected you. Recovering from the narcissistic abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother also means coming to terms with your enabling fathers inaction. What Happens If You Don T Sterilize Baby Bottles. You had a dangerous, difficult past and reminders of it become intolerable. They're getting a bit better in their old age but the damage will never be undone. I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of everything good you have with her. I found it very moving. When she said things like "he's getting better", I took that to heart and I used it against myself. Parents can make or break the mental stability of their children. At least you can still talk to her about it, and that can help lead to some breakthroughs. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. My dad would scream at is sometimes, and my mum would just let it happen. As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. Instead, I want you to know how much I love you. My mom never apologized for her abuse but you could tell she felt guilt/shame for being caught. An empty chair was a better father than him. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. Her mother had gotten pregnant in her freshman year of college which propelled her and the boy who became Julias father into marriage. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. She had always seen her father as the villain of the piece, but she began to see that what she considered her mothers passivity was much more than that. I would love for you to listen to Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estes warming the stone child which is about women like us. Ah, sorry. Please include what you were doing when this page came up and the Cloudflare Ray ID found at the bottom of this page. I can imagine it might feel agonising for your mother to admit that her actions had bad consequences that you still live with. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. laquemadasola@gmail.com, Your email address will not be published. To put you in context, this week for the first time in my life, I established a boundary with my mother. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. Was anyone there for her? I guess its her choice tho. He'd disappear every weekend, was gone every night, and an abusive jerk when he was around. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! For now, your feelings are valid. by | May 9, 2022 | directions to newark airport arrivals | trec commercial contract improved property | May 9, 2022 | directions to newark airport arrivals | trec commercial contract improved property My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. I'm mad that my kids never met Grandma. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. *We may earn a commission for purchases made using our links. I was in the same situation. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. She could have done better. I really understand what you said about how she did not leave a lot of time for you guys. Imagine the shame on the family. Yes, I had an emotionally challenging childhood. I was paralyzed, voiceless, and worked hard at disappearing from view, but that didnt stop him from picking on me mercilessly for being an embarrassment to him. Erin Wood Has relatives who are children Author has 1.4K answers and 2.2M answer views 4 y Related I was abused at 9 years old. I feel the same as you that; she does love me in her own capacity but she is so wounded herself that she could never give me the mothering that I needed then and need now. You pretend that we were close but you shared all my secrets with HIM! What To Write To My Mother Who Didnt Protect Me From Abuse? Yes, thank you! I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. She stuck with him until I was ready move out, then came down with Alzheimer's in her late 50's. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. Hopefully your holiday will be filled with beauty. Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. Thank you for your rant/vent because it made me feel less alone and I connected with your story. . Im glad your mom comforted you, I really wish my mom did that. Good about saying no to her, hes likely too far gone to realize his. Dealing, Reacting, and an abusive jerk when he was around Zoomies a Sign of happy. 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my mother didn 't protect me from abuse